Human mythology and how they should have been told. Pt. 1/3

A little fun fact about the Genesis of Adam and Eve. The apple did not exist in the creation story of Adam and Eve. Most likely, it would have been the pomegranate that would have been plucked out of the Tree of Knowledge. Apples are originally from Central Asia, specifically from Kazakhstan. Alexander the Great got the first apples and spread seeds everywhere.

DISCLAIMER. First thing’s first you lousy ass, easily ass, getting offended motherfuckers. Calm the fuck down. I’m just poking fun at different aspects of human mythology. This is not making fun of other cultures and if you think that I’m making fun of your culture or I’m being disrespectful, first thing’s first. You seriously need to get a life. Second thing’s second. My jokes and sense of humor is basically on a level two or three compared to the big scary world that will mercilessly and ferociously cut you up. So sit back, relax, have a good cup of water, tea, coffee, whatever the hell you drink and have a good laugh.

I want to mention this. Originally with this blog, a lot of my friends and family members also wanted me to open up this blog because they love my tangents. I think of random things that circulate my mind and BAM. It becomes this amusing story of different colors and flavors that gives everyone a good chuckle or laugh. This was also one of the other reasons why I started this blog. Now anyways onto the main story.

Mythology craves and readings

Idk the name of this painting but I just found it on Google Images. If I were to name this painting, I’d call it “Jesus about to smack the shit out of you” or “Smacked so hard you got sent to Hell” or “When your mom about to lecture you.” Shoutout to Google and Jesus and God. And the Holy Spirit.

I was a quiet kid. If you time traveled back 10-13 years ago, you would have seen me in school during recess or lunch playing with my shoelaces, playing tag, or going into the shade and reading a gigantic book of different mythologies. I love mythologies. It gives a great story of the human connection vs the supernatural. Mythologies are created because it gives humanity a piece of culture or some comfort in space that they’re not alone and all of this wasn’t made without a reason. There are gods of seas, gods of suns, goddesses of moons and stars because all of these parts of nature gives us comfort and a sense of belonging that they made the world that we live in. It gives us a crutch to explain why the world is the world. When I read these mythologies, it drives my brain into maximum drive. I feel that I’m in the world of this myth or that myth and I can see and imagine myself taking a part in the role.

However, there’s always a limit. As I got older and older, I would still devour books and books of literature. But sometimes once in a while, I’d question, “why would the gods do that when you can finish this ten hour drama into 30 minutes?” Sometimes I would read these stories and I’d think “that’s way too short. No way did they just do that. There should have been at least some sort of communication.” Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to my thoughts about how human mythology should have been told.

The Creation myth of Japan. Izanagi and Izanami.

Ukiyo-e of the creation myth

Long ago all the elements were mixed together with one germ of life. This germ began to mix things around and around until the heavier part sank and the lighter part rose. A muddy sea that covered the entire earth was created. From this ocean grew a green shoot. It grew and grew until it reached the clouds and there it was tranformed into a god. Soon this god grew lonely and it began to create other gods. The last two gods it made, Izanagi anf Izanami, were the most remarkable.

One day as they were walking along they looked down on the ocean and wondered what was beneath it. Izanagi thrust his staff into the waters and as he pulled it back up some clumps of mud fell back into the sea. They began to harden and grow until they became the islands of Japan.

The two descended to these islands and began to explore, each going in different directions. They created all kinds of plants. When they met again they decided to marry and have children to inhabit the land. The first child Izanami bore was a girl of radiant beauty. The gods decided she was too beautiful to live in Japan, so they put her up in the sky and she became the sun. Their second daughter, Tsuki-yami, became the moon and their third and unruly son, Sosano-wo, was sentenced to the sea, where he creates storms.

Later, their first child, Amaterasu, bore a son who became the emperor of Japan and all the emperors since then have claimed descent from him.

Japanese Creation mythology
Together after touring the island nation

This is one of the stories of the creation myth in Japan. The one that I am most familiar with is the version of a million gods that were already in the Heavens before Izanagi and Izanami was created. The germ creation is one of the fewer versions of the myth that I’ve read. Anyways, some problems occur with this mythology.

“Germ began to mix things around and around until the heavier part sank and the lighter part rose. A muddy sea that covered the entire earth was created. From this ocean grew a green shoot. It grew and grew until it reached the clouds and there it was tranformed into a god. Soon this god grew lonely and it began to create other gods. The last two gods it made, Izanagi and Izanami, were the most remarkable.”

Izanagi and Izanami

First thing’s first. Every major mythology starts with this “one gray blob” or something similar to that. I’m not roasting that. The part that I don’t get is when the god was created and it grew lonely. Boy. You cannot be that lonely. You were just made! You were just born and you’re already saying that you’re lonely? Have you not looked at your surroundings? Bruh. You came out of a fucking plant. Not any human that I know can do that! And the fact that you didn’t even think about visiting other parts of this “muddy earth” is baffling to me. Of course you’re gonna get lonely. You’re stuck in this white-ass cloud doing absolutely nothing and thinking about “I need companionship”. Bitch. Did you not even think about looking at your surroundings? Goddamn. You seriously needed Steve Irwin to be with you. Check out your surroundings before saying “I need someone”. Another problem I have with the part of this myth is this. “Soon this god grew lonely and it began to create other gods. The last two gods it made, Izanagi and Izanami, were the most remarkable.” First thing’s first. You did not just make me go through a flashback of freshman biology in high school making me relive meiosis and mitosis. How the hell did you make these other gods? Did you do it like the other gods in creation myths when they wash one part of their body and a living god adult comes out? And second thing’s second. Most Japanese mythologies of the creation myth states that there were at least a MILLION GODS in the heavens. Does this MEAN THAT Y’ALL HATED EACH OTHER’S GUTS?

Think about it bruh. “soon this god grew lonely and it began to create other gods”. There’s must have been a point with the original god when he was thinking to himself “fuck all of these other gods. I know that there’s some good ones out there but they are so damn annoying.” There must have been a bunch of gods that he hated and a bunch of gods that were created that hated others. Honestly, the conversation would have been like this.

Amaterasu coming out of her cave

God #456,874 Master of the Wind is getting into an argument with Goddess #456, 875 Master of Air

God# 456,874: Dude for the last fucking time man. I TOLD YOU. HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU. WHEN I DRIVE MY CART, IT HAS A DESIGNATED AREA ON WHERE I BLOW WIND. BUT NO. YOU HAVE TO BLOW MY WIND EVERYWHERE. NO WONDER THERE’S SO MANY GODDAMN WINDSTORMS

Goddess #456,875: Um…. excuse me bitch. I am AIR. WE NEED TO BREATHE. IT’S NOT MY FAULT THAT WE HAVE TO BREATHE NOW IS IT YOU UPPITY BITCH.

God# 456,874: YOU KNOW WHAT. WE MIGHT BE MARRIED AND EVERYTHING BUT I CANNOT STAND YO SHIT. BITCH. I CREATED YOU OUT OF MY FUCKING AIR NOSTRILS ALONG WITH SOME CLAY THAT I GOT FROM GOD #1. YOU WERE TO HELP ME LEAD MY WIND CHARIOT AND SPREAD SOME AIR HERE AND THERE. WE ARE POCKETED. NOT A LOT OF US ARE HERE. WE ARE IN ONE PLACE. You know what? MELISSA. COME OVER HERE RIGHT NOW.

Melissa (the assistant to God #456,874): Yes sir, you would like to create another god? Creating another god means that I have to beat you with a rock 15 times and wash your left arm with holy water. You’ll have to walk around the holy tree three times, draw blood from your pinky, rub in some soil from the muddy earth and you’ll have a god. Terms and Restrictions apply.


So anyways, no way on Earth that they would have all loved each other. There would have been some gods that hated the original god, the original god loved some and hated some. There definitely would have been some gods and goddesses that wooed each other and created other gods by either sex and birth or washing each other in the left eye and spitting on some ground to create another god. There must have been some other god and goddess couple or the same original god that was sick of shit. Maybe they were like the only normal ones which is why everyone loved Izanami and Izanagi.

Speaking of Izanami and Izanagi, they’re a cute couple I’m not gonna lie. I really do enjoy the story about them. But you cannot tell me that the conversation that they might have had must have went like this.

One day as they were walking along they looked down on the ocean and wondered what was beneath it. Izanagi thrust his staff into the waters and as he pulled it back up some clumps of mud fell back into the sea. They began to harden and grow until they became the islands of Japan.

Izanagi: “What is that?? What is that goopy, glumpy, piece of mud? What on Heaven is that?????”

Izanami: “I really don’t know! Poke it with your jeweled spear!”

Izanagi: (turns head towards Izanami). “Girl. You did not just say that. I just got this spear and decorated it with my favorite stones. I have to dip my spear into this ghastly mud?”

Izanami: “Well it can’t be that bad. The original god came from there. The plant shoots rose all the way to Heaven and he was born here. But his existence must have been created down there.”

Izanagi: Fine. (Izanagi thrusts his spear and lets it out. The former clumps then solidifies into pieces of land for inhabitation.) Oh wow! The land looks pretty good. (Turns to Izanami). “Listen maybe we should go down and explore. We’ve been in the heavens a bit too long. There’s a million of us now. They may like us now but later we might have some enemies. I’m pretty sure that O.G. #1 wouldn’t mind if we went down. We basically made land. It has a pretty good chance of being habitable. Not only that, we’re married. Maybe having kids down there won’t be that bad. Besides some of the gods as we know are pretty damn annoying”

Izanami: Good call. Let’s go. Lemme pack up first

Image result for spongebob time cards

Descends to the Earth

Izanagi: I take East and West. You take North and South

Izanami: Fine. We meet back at this area and share what we contributed

The two descended to these islands and began to explore, each going in different directions. They created all kinds of plants. When they met again they decided to marry and have children to inhabit the land. The first child Izanami bore was a girl of radiant beauty. The gods decided she was too beautiful to live in Japan, so they put her up in the sky and she became the sun. Their second daughter, Tsuki-yami, became the moon and their third and unruly son, Sosano-wo, was sentenced to the sea, where he creates storms.

So basically this is a huge project which made one of them say this.

Related image
Hurry up! I’m running out of time cards. Why is this place so huge?

The couple later on met together and had children on the Earth. Now however, according to the Nihon Shoki in the beginning, Izanami bore a baby but because she walked (I believe to be counter clock wise?) she had a baby but it was dead on arrival and her baby was a dead fetus. Later on, Izanami does have her main three kids: Amaterasu, Tsuki- yami, and Sosan-wo. However, the way this mythology calls out the three kids in a way is pretty fucked up. How the hell are you giving Tsuki- Yami the MIDDLE CHILD NEGLECTION.

Look at the myth! Because Amaterasu was so beautiful they made her the sun, and they were like “you’re too pretty. Go to the Heavens while we stay here”. The second child aka the “middle child” Tsuki-Yami barely gets a mention. It was more of “you’re the moon. Your light probably shines less because you’re not as important. NEXT” . Damn. That’s harsh! And the third child/ first son, how the hell does he get more screen time than the second child????? He is “unruly” and because he’s so damn obnoxious he got sent to the sea where he makes storms and stuff. You leaving my boy Tsuki-yami out. That’s harsh bro.

Anyways…. that concludes Pt. 1/3 of “Human mythology and how they should have been told”. I hope you like my reiteration of this classic myth! Malibu Pt. 2. as well as Cafe De La Plage and LA sandwiches are coming up this week! Hope you guys liked it! Give me a thumbs up and give out some nice comments! Share this with your friends, family members, etc! See ya’ll then!

Image result for nihon shoki
Nihon Shoki
Categories UncategorizedTags , , , , , , ,

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this:
search previous next tag category expand menu location phone mail time cart zoom edit close